Everyday Is Better Than The Next

Some of my friends are notorious drunk dialers. For those of you foreign to the term “drunk dialing”, it is when you get really drunk and then start calling people and rambling on about meaningless bullshit for up to 3 hours. Anyway, this has happened to me so many times that I found it necessary to document the different types of drunk dialing.

1. The standard drunk dial - You think this is a typical phone call, although it may be a bit late. You begin by asking what’s going on, and then the person says “I’m drrrrunk”. At this point you know you are being drunk dialed.

2. The reverse drunk dial - This is when you call the person, possibly with an important message or question, only to find that they are shit faced drunk. Your message/question now is completely avoided and they begin to go into specific details on the story of how they just sang karaoke to that song “We can dance if we want to”.

3. The drunk driving and dialing - This can be a variation of the standard drunk dial or the reverse drunk dial, but the point where you know you are getting drunk dialed while driving is when the person on the other end of the phone says something like “I’m drunk…..and driving home”, “I can’t even see the fucking road”, or “Hey what are you doing? I’m driving home drunk baaahahahahaha”.

4. The possible emergency drunk dial - Let’s say you know that you friend is out drinking and most likely calling you later, so you make it a point that you are not going to answer their phone calls. After the call the drunk dialer may leave a voice mail that says something like “Dude, you need to call me as soon as you get this”. In a panic thinking that somebody is in jail or something, you dial them up only to find out that they just needed to tell you the funniest thing about how someone just called the radar detector a smoke detector.

5. The text message variation of drunk dialing - New(er) technology has allowed drunk dialers to drive you crazy by not even calling you. This form of drunk dialing usually happens in packs. Say a bunch of your buddies are out and they think it would be funny to all text message you at the same time. WARNING: Do not reply to any of these text messages, it may instigate an actual drunk dial.
6. The preemptive drunk dial - This is where your buddy calls you when he/she is either getting ready to drink or has just started drinking. They don’t want to really tell you anything, but they just want you to know that they are going to be drunk and they are probably going to drunk dial you later. Isn’t that nice of them?

7. The accidental drunk dial - This is where you answer the phone, say hello, and your friend says “Who is this?” You state your name and then they begin laughing hysterically and say “I didn’t even mean to call you, I meant to call _____.” They then talk to for an hour about what they are doing, what they have been doing, who they are trying to do, and so on. The next day you curse the person they meant to call.

8. The incoherent drunk dial - This call will come late in the night (4 - 6 AM). It usually consists of mumbling that you can’t understand, but you have to stay on the line because if you hang up the person will just call you right back.

9. The pass around drunk dial - If your friends are out drinking with other friends of yours, this is a dangerous situation. You could possibly get the pass around drunk dial, which is the longest time you will spend on the phone ever. Instead of talking to one drunk person you may have to talk to several as they pass the phone from person to person so that each person can tell you what a pussy you are for not coming out and getting hammered.

10. The sing-along drunk dial - The person calling you is drunk and just wanted to sing along to a song on the radio, a song playing at the bar, they are hearing at a concert, or one that they just made up. An actual drunk dial is followed by this describing why they called you to sing this song to you.

11. Your not here drunk dial - Let’s say you have to work early the next morning and remember the last time you didn’t go out with your drinkin’ buddies, so you avoid this outing. You will probably getting calls throughout the night from your buddies reminding you that you are not there, you should be, and you are a pussy.