Before I begin, this post involves major details of the plot. If you haven’t see the movie I recommend you stop reading this now. If you can’t tell by the title, I do intend to rip on this movie. However, I do think everyone should go see it, if nothing else than the fact that it is part of theSuperman nostalgia. Having said that, let’s begin the show
5. Superman 3 and 4 never happened? What?
The story line for Superman Returns picks up where Superman 2 left off. This means that 3 and 4 never happened. At the beginning of the movie we are given some text to read that says something to the effect of “Astronomers discovered the remains of Krypton, and then Superman disappears.” Then five years later, he crash lands into the Kent’s backyard…again. First of all, he doesn’t say bye to anyone or tell them that he is leaving? Second of all, Krypton was blown to bits. We know this. The opening credits even show us this. What did he think he was going to find there? Finally, nobody seems to notice that Clark Kent and Superman both disappear and reappear at the same time? I think if I was an associate of Clark Kent’s, say Lois Lane or Jimmy what’s his nuts, I would have some questions for old Clark.
4. Lex Luther
That son of a bitch Lex Luther is at it again with his evil shenanigans. I am a big Kevin Spacey fan, and in many ways I think he saved this character (if not the entire movie) from total destruction. I mean nobody could do it better than Gene Hackman, but second best is as good as it gets. Anyway, Lex is back in the game after winning an appeal on his two life sentences because Superman (Who is off on a wild goose chase looking for Krypton) didn’t show up in court. Who is his lawyer? Johnny Cochran? Lex then goes hunting for some money and finds it in some rich old hag who he convinces to sign away all of her money while she is dying. And I do literally mean, while she is dying. He has to actually finish moving her hand to scrawl out her signature. After which, he gets everything she had. Again, who is his lawyer? Now let’s imagine for a second that you are Lex Luther. You just sprung a double life sentence and you have all the money you could ever need. What would you do? Buy an ocean front mansion? Do some traveling? Hell no, you are Lex Luther, it’s time to go tear some shit up!
3. The Mysterious Crystals
The main premise of the movie is that Lex Luther steals the hologram crystals from Superman’s Fortress of Solitude (Noted as FoS from now on) and intends to use them to grow land off the east coast of the United States, which will cause the US to be destroyed. Ok, since when do the these holograms do anything more than show little movies of Superman’s pops? Also, how does Lex know anything about these crystals such as their location, and what they do? I also find it necessary to note that when Lex first marches into the FoS and activates the crystals, a “Superman’s Dad movie” appears and he says something about the crystals containing information about everything related to science from all of the 26 known galaxies. Lex Luther, after hearing this, says “Tell me everything”. Wouldn’t that maybe take a while? I mean 26 galaxies, come on.
2. Super Bastard Child
Let’s review the facts. In Superman 2, which is where we left off, apparently Superman and Lois Lane get nasty. When Superman returns 5 years later, Lois has a 5 year old son. Can you say “hmmmmm”? Apparently she didn’t waste anytime getting over Superman and knocking boots with her boss’s nephew. The timing was so close in fact that this new guy doesn’t even question if the kid is his or not. Let’s go ahead and get this out in the open. Lois is a whore — there I said it. Anyway, later in the film Lex has got the kryptonite out, tossing it around and what not, and at some point it gets a kind of close to Lois’s kid. Lex apparently sees the kid act sick or something, and I will say that I did not see this. Then he asks who the father is. At that point I was just waiting for Jerry Springer to come out and start with an episode entitled “Superman might be my baby daddy”. I just think that the kid could have been left completely out of this movie. He is completely irrelevant to the plot. The only thing I can assume is that they are setting up a plot to a future movie starring none other than Superman’s bastard son.
1. Superman flat lines
So Lex gets his kryptonite island growing, and who shows up to foil his plans? Who else, but Superman. Except Superman doesn’t know that the island was made with Kryptonite, oh no! Standing on the island reduces his strength to pretty much nothing, which gives Lex the opportunity to give Superman a good old fashion country ass whoopin’. Superman recovers with the help of Lois and her latest sugar daddy, and of course heads right back to kryptonite island to save the day. But this time, wait what’s this, the kryptonite doesn’t seem to affect him that much and he ends up picking up the entire island and with his last bit of strength and throws it into space. This is one of the biggest mockeries of Superman I have ever seen. I mean he picks up an island, a giant island, and throws it into space. After that he falls back down to earth, and while EMT’s are trying to figure what to do with him he flat lines. Be-beep. Be-beep. BeBeeeeeeeeep. At this point, I actually thought they were going to kill him. I thought to myself “Oh my, Hollywood is going to kill Superman. It’s probably for the best.” But I was fooled. By some miracle, he lives. And by miracle, I mean they can’t do anything for him. A nurse actually try’s to put an IV in his arm and it bends. This bad effect is backed up by a look on her face that could only be described as “golly gee, what are we gonna do?” So he had no heart beat for God only knows how long, later (how later I don’t know) he is shown lying in bed with a shallow heartbeat, and then he just gets up and flly’s out the window!
So there you have it, the top five reason that Superman Returns sucked. It’s funny, when I started writing this I wasn’t sure if I was doing the right thing by ripping on this movie. As I went along though and the hole-filled-plot became more clear, I realized that I was doing the right thing. I think this could have been a much better movie, if hadn’t been rushed into production. Sadly, I think that the Superman movies may be lost forever.
Dude, I’ve seen some decent arguments against the movie but what you have here are anything but.
I don’t think it’s really fair to come in here, say my argument that this movie sucks is not good, and then drop smoke and leave. That shows disrespect for me, and not my argument.
Why is it not good?
Where are these other “decent arguments”?
I found this on digg.com and I regret reading it.
First: “Krypton was blown to bits. We know this. The opening credits even show us this.” Yeah, did Superman watch the opening credits? No. He went to find out if anything remained.
Second: “Nobody seems to notice that Clark Kent and Superman both disappear and reappear at the same time? I think if I was an associate of Clark Kent’s, say Lois Lane or Jimmy what’s his nuts, I would have some questions for old Clark.” A valid point. Cut from the movie is a scene that revealed his earth mother sent postcards to the Daily Planet from Clark Kent to cover his absence.
Third: You don’t really seem to have a criticism against the character of Lex Luthor (whose name you misspelled) so I don’t know why you even talked about him.
Fourth: “Since when do the these holograms do anything more than show little movies of Superman’s pops?” Since the first Superman movie, where one built the Fortress of Solitude.
Fifth: “Also, how does Lex know anything about these crystals such as their location, and what they do?” Lex discovered the location of the fortress in Superman II and he knows what they do because Jor-El explained them when Lex asked “starting with crystals”
Sixth: “I just think that the kid could have been left completely out of this movie. He is completely irrelevant to the plot.” Maybe irrelevant to the plot, but not the themes. By your reckoning, Jimmy Olsen and Perry White are also irrelevant to the plot.
Seventh: “Superman recovers with the help of Lois and her latest sugar daddy, and of course heads right back to kryptonite island to save the day. But this time, wait what’s this, the kryptonite doesn’t seem to affect him that much and he ends up picking up the entire island and with his last bit of strength and throws it into space.” As is noted in the film, he derives his powers from the sun. When he was on the island, there was no sunlight. After being rescued by Lois, he flies above the cloud cover to charge up, so to speak. And obviously it affects him greatly because it nearly kills him, which you then criticize. So do you want him to be affected or not?
*Laughs.* Oh, you’re going to piss the fanboys off.
For what’s it worth, Supes is my fav comic character, and this movie DID Suck - your reasons aren’t the issues I had (though I could have done without WHORE! Lois or SuperBaby), but they’re great reasons anyway.
Overall, it was a disappointment. Batman got a better movie this time out, and that’s a crying shame.
I do disagree with this:
“However, I do think everyone should go see it, if nothing else than the fact that it is part of theSuperman nostalgia.”
Oh, hell, no. They should stay far away, and just twiddle their thumbs until Spidey 3 comes out. They’ll save money, plus twiddling their thumbs is more enjoyable than watching Superman Returns.
Superman Returns was dissappointing. Brandon Routh had no screen presence and Kate Bosworth was a terrible Lois Lane.
First of all, many people have hailed this movie as a “love story.” A love story? Who wants a freakin’ love story - people want an action/adventure story featuring Superman. The second problem with this is, there was nothing to suggest Lois and Superman had anything special. The connection simply wasn’t there… Nope. If I didn’t know anything about Superman, I’d guess they were enemies.
Man,
Some of you idiots who replied here are just that: IDIOTS.
This guy CLEARLY SPELLED OUT most of the flaws of the movie, but managed to even give someone CREDIT for thier role - Kevin Spacey.
Now, he left out all of the special effects stuff. Sure, why should he put that in there/ Superman really has NEVER BEEN ABOUT SPECIAL EFFECTS!! It has ALWAYS been about IMAGERY and STORY. This damned movie was a LOVE STORY starring Superman.
By the way, for the original poster of this fantastic article, I will remind you also that not only did superman manage to move KRYPTON ISLAND as you put it (funny!) but he ALSO HAD A PEICE OF KRYPTONITE STILL STUCK IN HIM as evidenced by the hospital scene where they CLEARLY take out the kryptonite from him.
Yes, lois takes out SOME of the kryptonite in the plain, but he STILL HAS IT STUCK IN HIM IN THE HOSPITAL!! YIKES!!!
Superman is now INVINCIBLE! What a load of HORSESHIT!
I loved Superman I and II and hell I even LIKED (not loved) III. Supreman IV is the only movie that is WORSE than Superman Returns.
So for what it’s worth, Superman Returns SUCKED, but not as bad as SUPERMAN IV!
Superman character embodies a drag-queen. I don’t like anything gay or queer. I don’t like you people. All of you support the gay queer drag-queen alliance. No real man wears leotards, a cape and boots. Superman does because he is not a real man. He is “Sassyman”. Hence the “S” on his costume. This is unhealthy because these days young boys desire cross-dressing and wearing earrings.
LMAO!