Everyday Is Better Than The Next

I just don’t understand why everybody is flipping out about swine flu. It has effected the stock market. What in the hell does swine flu have to due with the market? People are walking around wearing surgical masks, as if that is going to help at all. It makes no sense to me. What makes it so scary? In the past week, one person in the United States has died from it. One. Let’s look at some other things that are more likely to kill you this week.

Heart Disease - 12,500
Cancer - 11,000
Accidents - 9,500
Obesity - 6,000
Diabetes - 1,500

The point being, you have way more to worry about than swine flu. If you are really that worried about dying then shut the fuck up, put down the Big Mac, get your ass on the treadmill, quit smoking, wear a motorcycle helmet everywhere you go, and get a gas mask.

When you see a crazy looking hillbilly on the street or in the grocery store, do you wonder how that person came to look that way?  Have you ever wondered the evolution and thought process that resulted in the guy at the hardware store wearing a 20 year old cut off nascar shirt while donning a nasty looking mullet?

I’m here to tell you that it’s a slippery slope.  Those people didn’t wake up one day and say to themselves “I’m gonna look like a fuckin’ moron today and continue to do so for the rest of my life.”  What we see when we look at John Q. Redneck is a look that took years to cultivate.  This person’s journey began at the top of a slope that is very slippery.  The mullet probably started out as some guy liking long hair but not really wanting hair in his eyes.  20 years later, the guy has buzzed hair on top and hair down to his ass in the back.  We all encounter some form of a slippery slope in our everyday life and it’s up to us to not slide down that slope.  It’s up to us to keep our hair and clothing styles modern.  We must at some point step outside of our comfort zones in order to keep up with the times.  Otherwise we shall fall victim to a slippery slope and turn into that stupid fucker that entertains us.

Everyone is probably pretty familiar with a man by the name of Billy Mays.  Originally made famous by hoching oxyclean, Billy has rose to fame selling many other fine household products, to the point to where he himself is almost as American as apple pie.  The man has a wonderful ability to sell things.  I believe that Billy could sell things to me that I don’t even want.  I’m even going to go as far to say that Mr. Mays might be able to turn me gay.  Yeah, I said it.  I have no aspirations to have any kind of sexual encounter with any man walking the face of this planet or even the face of another planet.  But I believe that with Billy’s unnatural ability to make the dim look bright, he could trick me into buying into homosexuality.  So, in closing, I plead to you Billy Mays… Please don’t try to sell me homosexuality because I don’t know if I’d be able to resist your sales pitch.

I was arrested for an alcohol related offense a little over a year ago.  Due to that arrest I had to attend what I called “booze classes” at a local counseling center.  It was completely ridiculous that I had to attend these classes, but I understand that when you break the law you have to deal with the consequences.  These classes lasted almost 2 months and cost me close to $700.  On my very last class I asked the receptionist how much I needed to pay in order to never have to see or hear from that place again.  She gave me the amount and I paid it on the spot.  About 2 months later I received a bill from this place in the mail saying that I owed them $52.58.  I kept telling myself that I was going to call and ask for an itemized receipt and never did.  About 6 months went by and I got a call from a collection agency.  They wanted the money.  I explained my situation to them and explained how I had every intention of taking care of the bill, if infact I actually owed the money.  The nice lady let me know my options, which included receiving the receipt explaining why I owe the money.  She then warned me that if I didn’t pay the bill in 3 weeks that it would effect my credit score and she could not promise the receipt would reach me before then.  Quite the double edged sword, eh?  After much deliberation, I came up with a solution that would make everyone in the situation happy.  Right now I have a check written out to the collection agency marinating under my nuts and ass.  I plan to keep that check there for about 4 or 5 hours and then when the flavor is just right, I will put it in the envelope and send it away to take care of my debt.

There are many different topics concerning old people that I could complain about.  Maybe the way they look gross while eating.  Maybe the way most of them are grouchy and mean just because they are old.  Maybe the way they drive so slow and activate their turn signals 2 miles before they turn.  Nope, none of those things.  I would like for the AARP to issue a notice in their news letter to tell all old people to quit driving cars that look like police vehicles.  There are many fine vehicles in these modern times in which we live that provide the comfort and safety that these geriatrics seek.  I’m tired of coming over a hill while exceeding the speed limit by an amount that would cause me to incur a stiff fine and have to slam on my brakes because some 80 year old decided they wanted to drive a caprice.  I believe that alot of money is spent each year on new brake shoes because of this sort of false cop spotting that happens to me almost everyday.  We’re all on the same team here, us against cops.  We need to come together to make it easier to spot cops and know that it’s not just an old person.

Hippies are somewhat at fault on this topic as well.  From a distance, bike racks on top of cars look like police lights.  Although these bike racks are usually found on top of Honda and Toyota vehicles, cause those are the vehicles these tree hugging hippies drive, from a distance they look like pig lights.  I urge everyone to talk to their grandparents and/or their stupid hippie relative/friend that is at the root of this problem.